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| its remarkable how much changes in a year. its almost
unthinkable. but yet, still kind of expected. when i look
back on my memories of the dwindling time of senior year, it
illuminates my world. if only just for a moment, im drawn back
into those times where we just didnt give a fuck. i got
completely wasted many times during school. i guess that wouldve
been a hint toward the alcoholism in college, but i wouldnt have it any
other way. my life was filled with so many great people.... i had
such great friends and such a great environment....
hard to imagine how quickly life changes. im not sure if im more
upset because of where ive been or where i am now. its hard to
measure the two accurately against each other. its almost as if
you try to compare. . . well shit, ive run dry. my mind is just
searching, looking out there for that beacon of light.
this season of the Sopranos marks the shows final run. in the
early episodes, Tony Soprano crashed into a coma after being shot by
his senile Alzheimer stricken uncle. He started living this dream
life within his own mind and was struggling with many personal
questions. On numerous occasions, Tony would look out of his
hotel window after another fruitless day of searching for his place and
across the valley of Cosa Verde he saw a light that would slowly
outline the horizon. As I let my mind float over campus, I begin
to wonder where my Watchtower is. Im not looking for a way out,
or an escape, just a little guidance. Tony never ended up finding
the spotlight that he knew so well. However, it did give him some
consistency in another messed up world.
Im not sure what I wouldve done differently to get to this point or
what effects, if any, those changes wouldve had. I just know now
that I have to push through the thick, fierce headwind Im facing.
While the surface of an ocean may remain calm, you do not know the
chaotic and frenzied happenings underneath that surface. But the
final question would then be, isnt that all considered normal?
Maybe so, but who knows what normal would be defined as. No one
has had their head stuck below water long enough to trace the behaviors
of all the life in the sea. Nor have we spent the sufficient
amount of time needed to learn of all the intricate ocean
currents. And those who have tried, have lost sight of the larger
picture.
But here I go debating metaphysics again. I often wonder how much
weight any of my words hold in the eyes of my readers. When
thinking about mediums like these, however, I think the key may be held
within my own person. It seems more like a
"just-thougt-youd-like-to-know" presentation. And maybe this is
where my beacon is. Maybe my muse is my guide. Maybe this
"tattered page" will be my savior (though I can hardly say that in
confidence given that this is just a bunch of fucking 1s and 0s
assembled on your screen). Sigh. This is all besides the
point really. I miss home. I miss my old life. I miss
my old friends. And I feel like complete shit. Now that we
have the formalities out of the way, I feel a little better.
I guess thats a step in the right direction.
| | |
| Maybe I can make use for this space yet.....
Its been so long since Ive sat down and written anything meaningful, to
me that is. I mean true, I havent written that many papers this
semester but Ive done my fair share of artistry of the pencil for those
meaningless points. Yet, I knew the answer, saw the path, walked
it without stumbling. There was no challenge and insight in any
of it. Hah. I wrote my philosophy midterm at 530 am just
coming down from a torched night. (I have no idea what my grade is on
that paper, but the ideas it was founded in were solid. It was
rather creative, even though the subject matter was like month-old Play
Dough.) So, ladies and some gentlemen, I think its time I got
back to something that I had once loved with a passion. Dont look
for it here, for youll be staring at an empty space. However, if
you yearn for it enough, youll find it. Im not that mystifying. | | |
|
One more thing you should remember is how much fun you had
this last weekend. From what I hear from
you, you had a great time. And all the
fun you had was great. You had a blast
and weren’t unfaithful to me. I just
hope that you can see that this is possible.
You can have that great college experience and get to know people and
stuff and still be with me. In a sense,
you can have you cake and eat it too.
You just have to make sure the only cake you’re eating is mine.
The other thing is that I can see this working in
general. The whole new path thing feels
a lot different and that’s probably because it is. I think that once again, our relationship has
taken a big step and changed and hopefully matured. When I think about it, I can still feel the
love. I know you’re still there for me
and I for you. Maybe I just need to
settle in. I hope this works. I don’t want anything more than for this to
work. And I still think that if we want
it to, and we are still happy at that moment with each other, we can fix or
overcome anything. We can both do what
we need to do and stay faithful. And if
that is too much, then so be it. But at
least we will know we tried. The worst
thing in my life is to think about you with someone else, doing all the things
that we now do together. But even harder
than that would be the nagging knowledge that we didn’t fight or try to keep
that great connection alive. At least I
will have piece of mind.
| | |
| My deepest regrets to the Berry family and consolation to everyone who
knew him and was touched by his life. I personally did not know
him, but many of my friends did and I know he will be greatly
missed. God bless all..... | | |
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My Java Fun
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